i'm signing you up for texting rehab
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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