shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
My liver just had a heart attack.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
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