I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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