I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Randomize
