She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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