Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Randomize
