Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
We are two peas in an std pod
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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