Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
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