I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Randomize
