im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
