Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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