my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
