how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
Randomize
