I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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