All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
