I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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