he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
i wish my penis had a tongue
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Randomize
