thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Randomize
