she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Quick, to the slutcave!
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Randomize
