i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
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I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
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