if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
Randomize
