i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Randomize
