I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
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I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
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