At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
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