If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
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