I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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