I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
