I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
