Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
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