A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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