wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
she told me i tasted like america
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Randomize
