just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
God, I missed his penis.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
