she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
