He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
