if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Randomize
