and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Randomize
