I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
