I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
