I think i sorta joined a cult last night
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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