Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
