It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Randomize
