Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
