I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
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I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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