I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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