I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Randomize
