I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
