you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
you have to choose: penises or morals?
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
