Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
