It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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