One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
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The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
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I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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