that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Randomize
