Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
