Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize