I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'd cum for enchiladas.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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