Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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