fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Randomize
