i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
He passed out mid-signature
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
