I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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