Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
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