he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
