you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
