3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Randomize
