my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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